Dear Fellow Travelers:

18 Oct

As most of you know, I am a FREQUENT traveler for business. Over my business career, I have probably flown nearly 3 million miles, have stayed in thousands of hotel rooms, rented hundreds of cars, etc. On American Airlines alone, I’ve flown 1.6 million miles, making me a lifetime Gold member of the AAdvantage program – 400,000 miles away from lifetime Platinum. Right now, I’m in the middle of a big “travel jag”, so a list of notes to fellow travelers is what has come to mind.

– Dear Novice Traveler in the TSA line: The fastest way through the TSA line is to follow the rules. And they are really simple – everything comes off but your socks, shoes, pants and shirt – that means your watch, your belt, your shoes, your bracelets, etc., and you need to empty your pockets of EVERYTHING including paper. Please, figure it out – we’ve been doing this awhile.

– Dear Person With the Big Toiletries: While we’re at it – your toiletries can only be 3 ounces or smaller and they need to fit in a quart zip lock. I’m sorry you’re an idiot and brought that jumbo jar of BedHead hair product for $50 at the salon and now you have to abandon it. We’ve been doing this for more than 4 years. 3 ounces or less. If it is that important for your look, and you can’t buy it in that size, then buy a 3 oz traveler “empty” and transfer the product yourself.

– Dear Guy Wearing the Bluetooth Headset But not on a Phone Call. You look like a dork. Just sayin’. I get it, if you’re on a call, but I don’t if you’re not. You want to have the headphone in so you can take a call at a moment’s notice? Buy an iPhone.

– Dear Idiot Shouting at the Gate Agent over the Fact that your Plane Got Cancelled Due to a Thunderstorm: Guess what? She’s not going to help you. Guess what? She IS going to help me though, and that’s because instead of walking up shouting, I will walk up smiling and say “hey, crazy day, huh? Well … help me the best you can, I know you don’t have too many options for me. I’ll appreciate whatever you can do.”

– Dear Person Who Stops Walking In the Middle of the Terminal, who I then Trip Over: Do you just suddenly stop driving on an expressway because you’re lost? Or do you pull over to the side to avoid getting killed? Same idea applies here? Can’t find your gate or need a moment with your phone? Pull over. Let the rest of us go by.

– Dear Person with Group 4 on their Boarding Pass trying to board with First Class: There’s a system that we follow. They say “Group 4 can board now” and you can board. Not before. I will give you a pass if you do not speak English or truly do need extra time in boarding but take 5 minutes before flight time to figure that out.

– Dear Person sitting in My Window Seat in my Row: No, you cannot have it. I reserved it. “I figured you’d prefer the aisle” isn’t the right answer.

– Dear Person sitting at the Window seat when I DO choose the aisle: PLEASE let me get up and move out of your way, rather than you crawling over my knees and putting your ass in my face without warning (yes, this really happened, last week). Oh, and I’m sorry you have a weak bladder and need to pee every 20 minutes. Maybe you should have reserved an aisle seat.

– Dear Person Traveling Only With a Paperback Book and a Jacket: I’m sorry the flight attendant took your jacket down and handed it back to you so I could put my rollaboard up there, but welcome to the reality of travel nowadays.

– Dear Stinky Food Eater: A can of Tuna? On an airplane? REALLY? Man, there is a special place in hell for you, sir!

I have so many more I could add … feel free to comment with yours.

As you were,

Stew

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2 Responses to “Dear Fellow Travelers:”

  1. Joy October 18, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

    Dear fellow traveler: When I close my eyes or have my head buried in a book that means I don’t want to talk to you for the next 2 1/2 hours. Why? I figured out in the first 30 seconds after you sat down that you are not interesting and extremely boring!

  2. carpetbagger October 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    Dear fellow traveler: Standing still on the people mover. Really?

    Dear fellow traveler: Two beers on a one hour flight. Really? Go to a meeting.

    Dear Flight Attendant: No matter what your orders are, if the oxygen masks drop in front of me, I can’t promise that I will “breathe normally.”

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